I lost a friend recently. Not from a accident or moving away but from just plain selfishness, and mistaken motives. Long story short the trouble came over money. I made the mistake of borrowing money and not returning it in a timely manner, which was my mistake and fault.
But I thought foolishly as a friend there would not be a problem. But there was. To her credit my friend acted like a loanshark and wanted me to go out of my way to repay her,and basically was upset when i delayed the payment. It was not alot of money but to her I guess it was. i will agree i was wrong to delay payment, which was done because I just plain didnt have it. two things I learned from this; I dont have alot of friends and dont borrow money from friends.
I feel embarrassed that at 40 I have no good friends and people come in and out of my life and really don't hang around. People don't know me really and that is starting to bother me and worry me. I'm worried that I wont have any friends for the long run, that when I need someone I wont have anyone. I will admit that getting personal has never been in my nature, that showing my emotional side has never been my strong suit. I think I am getting better but, I just feel beat up by people, like lots of people have let me down and I don't think i can recover, as I write this I'm tearing up because I sound like a child. I am trying to open up more but it seems like people have lost patience with me. I do expect allot of people, which is probably not fair. I want people to be my all and all, which is not good, I figured yesterday that I probably need to lay off that and practice being myself and let real friendships start. I also have a problem with grabbing on to the first person and calling them my friend, which I need to stop doing.
I guess like my issues with my ex this will work it self out. I was thinking about seeking professional help and that might not be a bad idea.
