2013 so far

Jan 2013 is like any other month, and 2013 is turning out like any other year except I would like to change that. Its finally got into my head that I am not going to find a job lets just be real, I probably would be run over by a car or bitten by a shark before that happens. What I am going to do is focus on temping, getting my education stuff in order and take care of going back to school.This way I can have a career and not a job. I also realized that I can use some of my skills that I have. I love to cook and I have decided to start my own company, doing catering and making sandwiches. Hopefully I can be a bit successful. Right now I am floundering and not making a mark on society.

I also am taking more time to connect with my daughter. She had a bit of school issues, and I was scared that she was going to go downhill and stay there. She was just not listening and being defiant. She now is working thru her issues and I am going to have her see a professional. I think this separation and almost divorce is a factor to her and I need to explore what is going on.

I also am not going to be divorced by my bday. I wanted secretly in my mind to be free by my 43rd bday, non such luck but I am going to wait. I've been waiting since 2009, so I can wait a bit longer.

I have started to work out a bit more and I feel happy about that. I am shaking it up and doing lots of things, and feeling better about my self so far. I wish I could snap my fingers and shed 50 lbs but not happening. I am going to use my head and hopefully I will be successful.

The Year of Living Brokerly

I remember there was a Mel Gibson movie called The Year of Living Dangerously and that's kind of how I feel except with no money.

Ugh. My life feels like I am going backward going around in circles, going down the drain. Now I feel that I can do anything I set my mind to, I have the power to change my life but being uneployed is changing my life for the worst. Its been almost 2 years and in that 2 years there is NOTHING on the so called horizon, nothing. In any area of my life, and its sad and depressing and It makes me feel like I'm lost and going to just fade away. Even my fitness routine has gone the way of the dodo bird.

I actually had to sign up for Public Assistance and its not all that simple of a process. There s lots of going to nasty unkempt offices and talking with people that seem stressed and nonplussed. Waiting in rooms for god knows what and listening to people spout all sorts of job related wisdom. Now the city has caught on and DEMANDED that people go to a back to work program. Those programs are just waiting games, for jobs that honestly don't exist and programs that barely help. I must admit my rent was payed which I was starting to feel guilty about, but I want a class in feeling better. Getting out of my funk, and feeling happy and joyous about something. I seem to have lost my mojo so to speak and all the things I had passion about seem to have faded away. I wish I could get on my feet without help but this was a needed evil. I didn't have an income coming in and I also have a child to take care of so this was something I could have deep thoughts about. I just wonder when I'm going to get myself together because at this age I cant be playing.

Its also disheartening to see people at these places that have just given up and wont be productive members of society. They seem content to hang out and collect a check.Also the ignorant thought process, and the people that are so quick to anger, these young people are the future. Lots of people know the ins and outs of the "system" and have no qualms about using it and abusing it. I want to ride this pony only a quarter of the way.

I'm feeling this

I have a very exciting update, at least to me, my daughters father and I, I feel have turned a corner. I feel like the anger and resentment has gone away. We are not happy happy yet, we aren't going out for drinks; although it may be coming down the pike. But I feel like we are friends. Friends. Probably what we should have been from the start. We weren't meant to be lovers but I think we make great friends. And we have something to do that is more important; we have a little girl to raise. She is the most important thing not having a romantic relationship. When things were bad I thought; should we have separated? And I can honestly say yes. I don't think we were happy, we just got used to each other and that is not what I am looking for. I don't think any one is looking for a comfortable love. I want a loving, romantic, passionate relationship. I want someone to find me awesome and tell me so.I want someone to find me sexy, to think I'm smart, and to really want to talk with me and laugh and have fun.  I'm actually ready to work on a relationship, something I was not ready to do with my daughters father. But we are friends and right about now I could use a whole lot of them. The change made me feel good and its like we are really working as a team and that I think is the best thing right now.

down the up staircase

I want to ad to my last post. I spoke with my friends and figured that also my input is needed to keep a friendship running, duh right, I was the person that always was waiting for things to happen to me and I need to take charge of my relationships and not wait around for phone calls or invitations. So I have done that and things are turning out better for me and my friendships. I feel much better about my relationships with my friends. Some of them I have known for 5 years or more.I couldnt throw in the towel so soon. So that note.. Now on to this post.

July 26th after not  working for some time my unemployment ran out. That's why I have not blogged in some time. I have been supremely depressed and angry and wondering where the fuck I went wrong. I realized that I have no skills or drive or passion for anything. But that may be the depression talking for me. When I spoke to the rep on the phone at the Unemployment office and she told me good luck and suggested that I take a job that pays me more, I felt like jumping thru the phone and kicking her goody two shoes ass.Dude my ass doesnt work, I've been looking for almost 2 years.  My throat went dry, my heart was beating fast and my first thoughts went to my daughter. Then to my bills, then to my general being.. How was I going to live and eat and pay my bills? I did good because I get monies from my daughters dad, and I live here with my dad but how long can my dad help me? He has things to do as well with his money just not support me. 

So I went to the social services office. The place, in my mind which is the last resort. And it is. The looks on peoples faces are looks of disappointment and giving up. I felt so out of my element in the office and I was trying not to pass judgement. The workers there are the best part of the visit. They seem uncaring and unfazed by anything you have to say and don't care. From SS they sent me to a back to work program, the theory being I should find a job so the city doesn't have to pay me. So I officially have a Public Assistance case. I never thought in a million and one years that I would have one. I looked down on people that used government assistance and thought that they just were drifters. But I saw alot of mothers and single people. Sorry I still think seeing men there is strange. I think men have it easy even if they are black, white or whatever. I at first felt bad then I realized that I don't have an income  and I need one in order to survive. . Being a single mom is lots of work and this whole situation is either a  bump in the road and can be a teachable moment.

The worst I can take out of this is not to get myself together and ride out the PA wagon until the wheels fall off. But I'm not going to. I have a plan. I am going to start temping very soon and I am going to do that for a while and then I want to go back to school. This retail/cashier/ min.wage stuff is not cutting it. I can only feel so bad for myself for so long. I was so depressed I couldn't really talk. I cant do that for very long. 

I also realized that my daughters father is slowly becoming my friend. Which is what I wanted for a long time. We communicate better now.He is helping more, with her discipline and being supportive with my current situation. I consider him a friend and hope we can stay like this. I like where we are. Its funny I am not worrying about my friend situation, my ex or my daughter just if I can find a job. 

But I have a plan and hopefully well it will work out. Oh my exercise program is cold like ice. I exercise here and there but I need more constancy. Ok my Nyota Challenge is back on. I want to lose 15 lbs by the end of the year. I mean it. I find that exercise makes me sleep better and makes me feel better, mood wise. I am just a lazy creep and cant get motivated. Lets see what happens. Its all up to me.

priorities who needs them?

I strive to be a loyal friend at least, if I cant go to the latest club or hang every weekend I feel like I'm  a good listener, and there if someone needs me. Well its summer time and I would like to hang with my friends that I haven't seen in a while but once again like I wrote in a former post, we don't keep in touch very well. Whose fault that is nobody seems to know. So the title of my post, priorities who needs them? is about my friends. I wish people would be honest if not honest, up front and let others know especially your  friends that  they won't call or make time for you. I have a friend that told another friend of  that she was "anti social'  that's why she hasn't  called said person. How can you have friends and be "anti social", maybe you should say; "hey I have other priorities and I don't have phone calls at the top of my list:", honesty is always the best policy no? I would in fact, I have, I like to be upfront with people and I know when to cut and run. The funny thing to me is that these people(the ones that never call) are relatively free, ie no kids and travel and go out at a moments notice. I have a child and I can't, it involves more planning. I always seem to put all of this "being a good friend" stuff on my shoulders and I cant anymore because it suddenly is not a priority for me either. I'm not being rude or vindictive, I'm being real. I am going to actually focus my attention on people that want to go out, that want to talk with me, and I don't see every 3 months and they are within spitting distance. I don't think I ask for a lot, I think paying attention t o me is important and everyone needs to feel special, in any and all relationships. I finally learned that my feelings are not petty and  simple things like phone calls and keeping in contact are important, in other words a priority.

Wherever whatever

So far so good. I'm not going to prattle on about how long its taken me to write but I think for the summer I am going to do more writing. I plan to purchase a bathing suit, I plan to do a lot this summer, god willing I will be able to do it. Hopefully I wont be to angry when I slip that bathing suit on , I promise I wont cry. I hope im in the "don't care'" category when that happens. My unemployment is going to end at some point hopefully I will find a job in that time. I know that I'm not ever going to falter in the future.

I am writing about friends, what else is new and some of them that are ungrateful. Well I want to be clear, we all are ungrateful at some point,  but to make a steady habit out of it is bogus. The back story is this; I had a friend of mine that has a child so she is a friend to my daughter, and she disappeared for a while. I went to a Fourth of July party and she showed up. Now I haven't spoken or seen her since October, she gave me a kiss and hug, it was warm and I thought that would open up conversation but it didn't. She was closed up like a clam,I tried, I also bought food for her child and mine and I got not a thank you, not a hey thanks but nothing, nothing after that. Her friend was more gracious and we talked.We sat and conversed while she checked Facebook, rude and selfish must I add.  I couldn't attend a party she had and I guess she wanted to have a grudge  and she is riding it for all its worth, actually its not worth much.The worst part of her is that is she is  selfish and ungrateful and doesn't understand which side her bread is buttered on, that kills me about people. I think it takes other people to make the world go around, its not just you working on your own steam. People help you and that's how you further yourself.There's always someone behind the scenes. Everyone that says nothing is ever given to me, well you don't get what you have because of "divine intervention". She doesn't either want to or care that she is living on the "company dime" so to speak.She is mega negative and I just don't want things like that in my life, and I always hope others don't want drama and negativity in their lives but they keep perpetuating it. Ahhh I guess some will never learn. Last night my FB status was something to this effect; thank god you have to pick your friends, because I am not picking her, or  many others. I thought our reunion would be sweet, it ended up leaving a very bitter taste in my mouth.

I love Brooklyn and other musings this week

I was walking down the street on one of the better days we have had, weather wise and I was thinking about how I would not leave Brooklyn. I truely love this place! There is transportation every where, resturants, bars, stores everything is here. Lots of stuff within walking distance and beautiful neighborhoods. So I was thinking  when I get older to leave but I don't think I ever will. I love this place too damn much. Supermarkets everywhere this is heaven. I lived in NJ and nothing will ever be like Brooklyn. Ah...

My daughters school is closing. Other schools are opening in its place and I'm excited about it. Besides the school being in a great location and the fact that I love her teachers, the new school seems to be a good thing as well.The principals focus seems  to be  the students as well as the school but its early yet. I want my daughter to know there's a world out there, and there's more to life than whats in your face or in your classroom. Hopefully I can send a positive message to her about life and learning . I was super busy last week with tons of school related things and other errands.

I was sick for 3 weeks or so and I haven 't been to the gym and feel so out of touch. Surprisingly exercise is starting to work for me; I feel better I can sleep better and my energy is "up" this week I plan to change all that, and get to the gym and thanks to my father, since he got me a yoga mat, I can use that. Yay!!! Very good for me. So this week the Nyota Challenge is on, from 4/23-5/23 I want to exercise at least 6 days out of the week. I think that's reasonable. Lets see what happens!

What I want!!

I mentioned in my last post about dating well  round about about what I want. I wanted to express what I want and actually at this point in my life need. I remember being young and kissing LOTS of frogs. Just thinking that me being attractive was the end all and be all and I would love the attention. No real conversation but mostly sex, lots of it bad, maybe 60% for one reason or another. There was the guy that talked about economics after sex, or the guy that got off and shuddered at my touch. I have had some good ones, good sex but no human touch or real interaction. The guy that was good in bed but talked too much and it was all bs and lies or the guy that was great in bed but his sexuality was dubious. I didn't know how to  vet in those days or know what I wanted. Why did I care when men found me attractive? At 42 and divorced I finally know and I am demanding it,either ask for what I want or  I am willing to walk away. My marriage died because I picked the wrong person and still continued to continue even after having doubts. I thought love was the answer but it is/was not. The list goes as such:

A man that is sexual/ not afraid of intimacy: this is pretty simple, a man that likes sex and intimacy and has at least a sex drive. Intimacy is another thing high on the list, comfortable with himself, and wants to have sex, often.

A man that expresses himself: If you are angry be angry sad be sad don't put your feelings on the back shelf to make me or others feel good. This is a quick road to disrespect and low grade resentment

A man that is sober: drug addicts, heavy drinkers, gamblers, not interested and been there done that. Not feeling it.

A man that has drama/ is a bitch ass: Any man that has to handle situations by running from them  or creating drama, no thanks.
 A man that likes children. I don't care if a man has kids but if he does  taking care of your children  is sexy, in all aspects. Not just money but being there for the child. Also  Understanding I have a daughter and she comes first. She is going to be around until I die you may not be
A man that respects me and finds me fascinating, finds me deep, puzzling, serious, funny,charming, and a person that he wants to be around just because. Finds me lovable and makes me bring out my womanly side
A man with a plan: being rich would be awesome, having a plan to have a productive future for me and you is even better
A man with a sense of humor/personality
A man that has his own hobbies, things to do, dreams. I shouldn't be your dream. Go out either with friends or by yourself, I can't be entertainment
A man that knows to walk away even if it hurts
I mean there are smaller things but this is the master list of things I cannot do w/o and not planning to.
I know he is out there I guess its up to me to find him.

Not myself today. WTF???

Today was a weird day emotionally. Meaning I have been struggling with the thoughts of dating and meeting men in my situation. The situation which is living in my dad's house, being a single mom, and being unemployed. I see my  ex and damn it, I am so glad I made the decision to walk away. I find it puzzling that he didn't see the handwriting on the wall, in fact I think his life is full of " ignorance is bliss moments". We really didn't have any real intelligent conversations, and nothing in common. How the fuck did he think something  was really going on? I'm glad I got out before I killed someone or myself. But the hard work comes with me; should I date, should I not bother? I walked from my house to Atlantic Mall and saw a few attractive men but it seemed like nothing was connecting. I felt invisible and just blah! On the way back some guy seemed like he wanted to say something to me but I was not interested and did not find him attractive in the least. I just wonder sometimes if I live in some sort of dumb fantasy world, where I think I should be happy with any man, but the truth is that I won't. That my current situation has doomed me. I don't want a bf because I am desperate, I want one to share happy times, dinner, conversation, and other things. Ok sex, I feel like If I don't use it I'm going to loose it very soon. It might also be putting a monkey wrench in the mix because I like to date outside my race and everyone that takes an interest in me is of my race.

I just don't feel that pull tor ward men of my race. I think the only thing we have in common is our skin color and that means nothing. I also feel that men of my race seem to want to be defensive with me and not provide conversation, like I like it. I like no love conversation and having an open mind where you feel you can do anything. I feel that way, like there is so much out there to discover and see. I love travel and movies and being different. That  being said I think I may have painted myself into a corner. The WM around here seem to not notice BW, and   I'm not the kind to go and talk to men, I do think that's there job, I don't think rejection is is an issue especially if you don't know the person. Shake it off and move on. I just think I've put myself into a niche I made a deal with myself to not settle, I don't want to have to settle because I'm alone and want a mans touch. I want to be able to have my standards and have patience at the same time. I want my new relationship to be the best I could have. I have done work on myself and I just read, ha ha timing, that regardless of what is going on there is always going to be something. I can't say I'm going to lose 90 lbs and then date because something will pop up after that also. Its funny how articles or things pop up that relate to your situation. Its like angels talking to you thru things. I must admit I feel lonely and like I will never be loved again, at least not the way I want to be. Well lets see what happens. I think this is just loneliness talking and negative mind-chatter creeping up on me. Oh well.....

Just 5

I have been struggling with my body image and weight for years. Years!! I can't imagine not having issues but I must say they are getting much better. I decided to take better care of myself and not be so hard on myself. Really. No bullshit. I'm at the gym often and realized that things will not get better If I lose those 25 pounds or If I am a better person. Life is too short. My life could be too short, you never know whats going to happen or where your going to go. I want to be utterly happy with myself, I would say I'm 85% happy and for me that's alot. Of course life could be "better" but my real lesson is learning to deal with what I have and work with it. I'm me regardless.  So back to my body image; its not a poor as it was before. I hated myself and I was disgusted by my body. Every morsel of food made me feel bad every time I didn't work out the guilt would eat me up. It didn't help that at the time I had a partner that was not tuned in to what he wanted or his sexuality. So its much better now and I expect it to be for a long time. Believe me I this will come up again.

Really confused

So my daugter turned 4 this week. I am so happy for her and me. I feel like she is really adjusting well to my separation, and being in a new school around new kids, but I hear that kids are very adjustable. . I am worried about something and its me and my personal relationships. I always hear you get what you put out and I guess my friendships are true to form. I mean I dont think I am high maintenance but soemthing is bothering me. Phonecalls. The most common form of comuincation is not working for me, or me and some of my friends. For instance my daughter had a gathering of a few other 4 year old kids. I invitied a close friend and her mother. So Sat comes around no show and no phone call, even after they made a confimration that they were coming Via text.. I have a friend that doesnt return phone calls for weeks at a time, a friend that despite having the latest and greatest in phones( i-phone) I cannot get text messages returned at all. I dont know if its me or them? Is how I get treated how I treat others? Am I that bad a friend? Is this really a big deal? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Well I have been thinking about this and I find the fault is all with me. I am notorious for looking for so much in people and forget that alot of what I am looking for has to come from me. I have 4 sisters and I was close to one of my sisters and we grew apart. I am basically looking for that type of relationship in other people.Looking for a replacement family or sisterhood. Is that fair? No is this right? I put alot of pressure on people all unrealistic and want alot from people. But I always think people want alot from me. Is it "right" to not  let someone know if you are coming to their bday party, no but I know that person is immature. About the returning phone calls well the difference between that person and me is the fact that person has other things to do and doesn't make things that I think are important a priority. Which I can kind of see, since I am not working  I do have alot of time on my hands and have become very insular. So at this point I want to be a good friend and not think people are waiting for me to become their social outlet, like I wait for others to be. I sometimes am totally stuck and sometimes I don't know what to do to meet other people. I know I need to and I want to broaden my social base because this isn't what I had in mind. Wish me luck.....

Whats work got to do with it?

Whew I haven't blogged in a hella long time!! Whats up? Not much with me just  regular life. On the recap end my summer was fun, not as much fun as I would have liked but fun. I spent the time with my daughter and she went on vacation for a while, and I missed her like crazy. Its now November and I have been unemployed for a year. Hence the title.  Not what I wanted but it happened. I wish I could find a job that would take into consideration that I have a child. I remember my mother telling me the story that a boss told her her family wasn't "shit" and that her leaving to attend to a sick child meant giving up her job. I am trying to find the balance between work and my life. I think my life with my daughter is much more important that a job, much more fulfilling an rewarding. But I don't want to give off that energy, and I want to do my job and balance everything. I have a hard time finding   someone to watch my daughter because alot of her family works, and their schedules are often tied up as well. So I would have to pay someone to watch her. I live on unemployment. I don't know how I have done it for a year but it has happened. I need to work my social life it  has taken a huge nosedive, not that it was great before, and I am getting slightly depressed. I would like to be flexible, I went on an interview and was offered the 4-12am shift? I did mention I had a child that had to go to school and that she was pretty young. I know any and all jobs have their needs but I have my needs too. Also why kill yourself for a job and not a career? Why is the workforce so biased against moms? I am a single mom. I remember working at my job and being told I "had to work:" until 11 because everyone else did, no sorry everyone else was 23 and childless. So no after looking at the schedule there wasn't alot of truth to that one. I would like to go back to school, I do need to get my act together but I also need  employers to understand that I can still be an asset  but I have a child that needs me. I often wonder if I made too much of a big deal  over my daughter and then I look into her eyes. She has a bottom line too.

I want to feel like a natural women

 In the past I was pretty stylish, or I thought I was. I dressed nicely, had a face full of makeup took care of my skin and hair, it was cut on a weekly basis.  I thought of myself as "sexy" and I got a lot of attention. I didn't mind the attention at all either. Now I hate to admit I rock sweats all the time and as I write this have a work shirt on, with stains on it!! I have a hard time with being feminine now. I am struggling with what it really is. Is it being attractive to men  or is it being pretty for yourself. I see women that are well put together and I want to be that woman but for me. I want to be more stylish and to have a closet full of stylish clothes. I have a lot of excuses that hold me back, money, no time but why I don't make time for these things baffles me. I like to be pretty but sometimes I have to ask myself why? When I was married I didn't think about this much because I felt like that wasn't a big deal for my ex. We were together and that was the barometer for being attractive. Now that I am on my own I want to be feminine after all men are drawn to that, and I want to be more trendy. Hopefully I will get there, I probably need a subscription to Vogue. I also need to find a womanly thing for me to do. I was watching t.v. and  a woman was saying that she wrote poetry and it was "feminine", maybe I need to do something like that.   I also need to soften myself up more, I was so used to being the "alpha" in my relationship that its sometimes hard to let that facade down. I think the most feminine thing I have done was to have a child, hey nothing more womanly than that. But my personal style, I have none and I wonder if I am doomed to a life with no style, or a feminine touch. Do I have to wear a skirt 24/7 to be feminine?  Lipstick?  a wig?  My hair has been short for years and it has been alluded that I was not feminine enough. So is this defining  of being feminine or a woman self imposed, or is it society. I will admit I am influenced by the popular media. I also will admit I have issues with my body and my looks. I could stand to lose a whole lotof weight, and I haven't accepted myself "as I am" and I never thought I was that good looking, so maybe that has a lot to do with my hiding behind this raggedy t-shirt.

And the academy would like to thank...

I went to take out the garbage/recycling early this morning around 12am or so and it was a beautiful early morning. It was finished raining and it was dewy, and bizarrely quiet. I live in a busy neighborhood so that was odd. I stood outside reflecting which I do often, that drives me crazy, I live in my mind a lot but this time I think I was justified. I thought about how grateful I was, how happy I was, how much I DON'T really have to complain about. I'm happy I have my health, save for the regular "getting older" things. Then I thought about how I got where I'm at and who I have to thank and who can be the goats in my life. I wont mention names, not because I am a coward but because I don't want to be resentful but I feel if I say this a lot of bad feelings will be abolished.

I would like to thank my friends. The ones that helped me, the ones that talked with me, I remember meeting with an old friend, and we went down memory lane. I hadn't laughed in a long time, and that day I did. I needed it  and I had a ton of fun. But better than the jokes and drinks he was there. I did not have the best time 2009-2010, and just him being there was help enough. Thanks for the friends that invited me out, had me over to eat dinner, that embraced my daughter, even though she is a handful and a half. Thanks for listening and even though we didn't hash over my bad times just being there. I felt comfortable knowing that someone was a phone call or a train ride away. That means a hell of a lot. I was always complaining because I don't have a lot of friends but the few I have know me and that is fucking golden. Thanks to the angels that dropped wisdom on  me but did not preach. People I just ran into that helped me out gave advise and were a shoulder to lean on. The right time right place person . Thanks a million. You don't know what you have done for me

So on to the "goats". Firstly I don't hold grudges but I have been holding some things in, a lot of things have been bothering me and I haven't addressed them. Here we go. For my former friend. I felt like she was my sister I had deep feelings for her, I felt like I was being supportive, I didn't feel like I didn't get that in return. Our friendship imploded over some silly b.s., sorry for both of us. I was under the impression that friends were supportive, and at the time I needed support. I was being a crybaby and I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. To my friends that pulled the Disappearing acts on me, don't know what happened, but if there were issues shouldn't I have known? I guess disappearing was the best thing to do. Sorry I didn't mean to be so overbearing. Sarcasm here. Thanks for the memories. Aint  mad at you. Also a honorable mention to the random folks that  played games and weren't honest, didn't see my true potential, were never my friend but acted like they were, and  were all round masters of duplicity. Thanks. I must admit I was hurt and it made me feel a bit small.  I'm not crying in my pillow anymore. I'm good.
What is the axiom, what ever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Its true.I'm not dead yet and I plan on living for a while. I feel lucky that I am still making it and that I can take my head off the pillow. I'm thankful for my family and my daughter. I am thankful the breathe in the air and walk everyday. I'm happy. Life is good.

Life is a many varied thing

I am going to double up on my blogging this time. I came to the realization about something and I am still trying to figure out if I should throw  in the towel , or rather  re-think how I do somethings. I have a ad for    online dating, a man responded to me and I thought that maybe this would be a nice guy, he was good looking, seemed funny and I thought hey maybe. The conversation turned to I want a picof you  to can I send you a pic of my dick.Ugh. Just like that. So fast and not subtle at all. I wonder when men are going to learn that leading with sexuality is going to kill it all the time.
 I want to know that the man I am with is sexual and willing to one day having sex with me or if not me someone else, but leading with that, making that your intro or thinking its cute to take pics of your private parts, and have women fall over you  is a real deal breaker. At least a woman that has half a brain is not  going for it. Its not funny and what a turn off. I'm mentioning this because I am wondering if this whole dating thing is for me. Wondering if I really need to do this, and  if dating would benefit me in any manner. Of course Im being funny but what the hell?  Is this the fate of dating, or meeting men? Where are the real men?? The men that are gentlemen but still have a strong side, the men that don't give up their  power at the sight of a big butt and a smile. The men that have confidence. I had a crush on a man, that I thought was super sexy, smart, a tad self absorbed, but nice body and funny. This man had the confidence of a worm. What gives? I guess the best thing I could do is be myself and hope a man will catch up. I have come to realize that I would like a boyfriend I don't really need one

On another note.... I am taking the training wheels off. On my daughters father. I hindered him a lot by  micro managing  the relationship they had. I realized when she spent the weekend with him that I need to MIND MY BUSINESS! I have no business involving myself in how he behaves with her and how he treats her. They spent the whole weekend together and no harm, no broken bones, just a allergy some meds could solve. I just want my daughter to be loved and there is no short supply of that for her. he loves her, I love her, and sometimes thats what matters. I'm happy I realized that. I'm also letting him do more, ie dressing, hair combing, little things, she is even requesting her daddy for those tasks. Her little voice calling out to "dad". I guess she will always be a daddy's girl and theres room for me as well. So i'm  happy.

Its it them or is it me?

I don't get out much to meet men, and that is because I am not working and money is tight but besides that any attractive men get me giddy and  I get all shy. Something I don't understand, or can reason with. I have been saying hello and smiling more. I did see a few men and smiled, I have been randomly smiling more. I have a posting up  on a dating website but I have a question; is it me or them? I am not a stuck up person nor some narcissistic person but honestly what the hell. I made up my mind I was not going to settle, and I don't want to so does that mean I am going to be alone for the rest of my life? Alot of the replys I get are from men that are over weight(read:FAT), older( i do have an age range), and just plain unattractive. I don't want  to settle I want to be with someone I can feel proud to be seen with. My ex is not an ugly man but honestly he has no style and he really never paid attention to his looks very much, so If i saw him in the street I wouldn't go gaga. I fell in love with him because we had a connection but in the looks department he is not my type. So along with a billion other things to think about now I have this. I have my weight to worry about, the fact I'm not working and taking care of my daughter. So what to do? I don't want to lower my standards I want what I want. But at 41 how long  should I wait. I'm a smart attractive person but how long do I wait. I was thinking that maybe my ex was the last chance I have. That maybe that was it. I am holding out hope that someone is going to come along. I wish I could sit in my house and have men come to me but I'm going to have to getup and do some work for this as  well.  So one more thing to worry about that's probably why I stayed with my ex for so long as well, dating is pretty hard. I hope my wish list doesn't totally rule  me out.

Now I know why I was so angry!?

I meet up with my ex. We are now "friends", he has moved on , which as a friend I would have advised him against but hey. We went out a week ago and he made me angry. Not the first time but this time was different I just wanted the feelings of anger to stop. I just wanted to stop letting him control my emotions. I also read an article about divorce and that helped me as well. I was  hiding behind my anger to make him the bad guy, when in reality he isn't. He tried his best and he is trying his best to be the best dad. I want to control him  and because he is so pliable, think that he would go for it. Because he is so passive/aggressive I just think every suggestion I make he should take, but I cant control anyone and come to think of it I don't want to. We both tried our best and sometimes things don't work out, and I was angry at him because he was so slow to action but thats probably because he is scared and there is nothing wrong with being scared. I think he needs to work on his relationship with his daughter seeing her more and being more relaxed with her but its not my business. He will have to work on his relationship with her by himself and  I will be there for her if she needs me. I have to stop thinking I can change people and why would I want to. I'm too busy trying to fix/help myself. I give myself permission to not try to change anyone and to curb my anger.

The year of Me

I thought in Feb after my birthday in 2011, that I have to take care of me. More. I always thought I was doing right by myself, I relaxed, I took care of my daughter, tried to pay my bills and drank water, but I never took care of m myself. I never took a break to do something for myself like shopping. Every shopping trip was fraught with guilt, like should I have this, can I afford this. I got my taxes back and went shopping this year with no guilt no remorse. I always wanted to take time out and go to the movies. I did it! I joined a gym, I have been watching what I eat and exercising. Taking care of me. I just thought that taking care of my daughter was just taking care of me, but its not. If im not well I cant take care of anyone else. Now I realize that. I was just going and going, working going thru life like a zombie, now I pay attention, now I am aware of my feelings and I feel good life is good and my daughter is good. I am looking forward to summer. Thanks me.

Long time

Havent been keeping up with this, everytime I want to I get busy and find myself staring into space instead of blogging. So hows it been? So far so good and so bad. I have been so tired and dear I say depressed, just feel listless and out of energy but good because I went out last week and had a awesome time. Some friends I know and their friends, just women getting together everyone around my age and having fun. I was lamenting not   having   friends    Its quality over quanity, because my true friends are starting to come out and Im overjoyed. I do have friends that I really dont like because I feel like they really dont have my back but I guess the whole point is picking and choosing who is going to be in your life. I also have not been tresuring the people I do have in my life. I always see people with tons of friends, but what king of relationships do these people have, how would I know if they are good are bad, if all of them hate each other and are using each other. I guess all relationship have there purposes. I guess I should be grateful for the quality I have and not worry about quanity.
Work sucks and I feel like I do too much of it and not making a dent. I need a purpose in my life, something to not get me bored and want to pull all my hairs out; all over my body. Wish I could not be bored at work but that is what my fate is right now, do I need to do something else, yes, will I ? Yes. So far life is life.. Will keep up with my blog more often.

Heard it all before

I lost a friend recently. Not from a accident or moving away but from just plain selfishness, and mistaken motives. Long story short the trouble came over money. I made the mistake of borrowing money and not returning it in a timely manner, which was my mistake and fault.
But I thought foolishly as a friend there would not be a problem. But there was. To her credit my friend acted like a loanshark and wanted me to go out of my way to repay her,and basically was upset when i delayed the payment. It was not alot of money but to her I guess it was. i will agree i was wrong to delay payment, which was done because I just plain didnt have it. two things I learned from this; I dont have alot of friends and dont borrow money from friends.

I feel embarrassed that at 40 I have no good friends and people come in and out of my life and really don't hang around. People don't know me really and that is starting to bother me and worry me. I'm worried that I wont have any friends for the long run, that when I need someone I wont have anyone. I will admit that getting personal has never been in my nature, that showing my emotional side has never been my strong suit. I think I am getting better but, I just feel beat up by people, like lots of people have let me down and I don't think i can recover, as I write this I'm tearing up because I sound like a child. I am trying to open up more but it seems like people have lost patience with me. I do expect allot of people, which is probably not fair. I want people to be my all and all, which is not good, I figured yesterday that I probably need to lay off that and practice being myself and let real friendships start. I also have a problem with grabbing on to the first person and calling them my friend, which I need to stop doing.

I guess like my issues with my ex this will work it self out. I was thinking about seeking professional help and that might not be a bad idea.