And the academy would like to thank...

I went to take out the garbage/recycling early this morning around 12am or so and it was a beautiful early morning. It was finished raining and it was dewy, and bizarrely quiet. I live in a busy neighborhood so that was odd. I stood outside reflecting which I do often, that drives me crazy, I live in my mind a lot but this time I think I was justified. I thought about how grateful I was, how happy I was, how much I DON'T really have to complain about. I'm happy I have my health, save for the regular "getting older" things. Then I thought about how I got where I'm at and who I have to thank and who can be the goats in my life. I wont mention names, not because I am a coward but because I don't want to be resentful but I feel if I say this a lot of bad feelings will be abolished.

I would like to thank my friends. The ones that helped me, the ones that talked with me, I remember meeting with an old friend, and we went down memory lane. I hadn't laughed in a long time, and that day I did. I needed it  and I had a ton of fun. But better than the jokes and drinks he was there. I did not have the best time 2009-2010, and just him being there was help enough. Thanks for the friends that invited me out, had me over to eat dinner, that embraced my daughter, even though she is a handful and a half. Thanks for listening and even though we didn't hash over my bad times just being there. I felt comfortable knowing that someone was a phone call or a train ride away. That means a hell of a lot. I was always complaining because I don't have a lot of friends but the few I have know me and that is fucking golden. Thanks to the angels that dropped wisdom on  me but did not preach. People I just ran into that helped me out gave advise and were a shoulder to lean on. The right time right place person . Thanks a million. You don't know what you have done for me

So on to the "goats". Firstly I don't hold grudges but I have been holding some things in, a lot of things have been bothering me and I haven't addressed them. Here we go. For my former friend. I felt like she was my sister I had deep feelings for her, I felt like I was being supportive, I didn't feel like I didn't get that in return. Our friendship imploded over some silly b.s., sorry for both of us. I was under the impression that friends were supportive, and at the time I needed support. I was being a crybaby and I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. To my friends that pulled the Disappearing acts on me, don't know what happened, but if there were issues shouldn't I have known? I guess disappearing was the best thing to do. Sorry I didn't mean to be so overbearing. Sarcasm here. Thanks for the memories. Aint  mad at you. Also a honorable mention to the random folks that  played games and weren't honest, didn't see my true potential, were never my friend but acted like they were, and  were all round masters of duplicity. Thanks. I must admit I was hurt and it made me feel a bit small.  I'm not crying in my pillow anymore. I'm good.
What is the axiom, what ever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Its true.I'm not dead yet and I plan on living for a while. I feel lucky that I am still making it and that I can take my head off the pillow. I'm thankful for my family and my daughter. I am thankful the breathe in the air and walk everyday. I'm happy. Life is good.

Life is a many varied thing

I am going to double up on my blogging this time. I came to the realization about something and I am still trying to figure out if I should throw  in the towel , or rather  re-think how I do somethings. I have a ad for    online dating, a man responded to me and I thought that maybe this would be a nice guy, he was good looking, seemed funny and I thought hey maybe. The conversation turned to I want a picof you  to can I send you a pic of my dick.Ugh. Just like that. So fast and not subtle at all. I wonder when men are going to learn that leading with sexuality is going to kill it all the time.
 I want to know that the man I am with is sexual and willing to one day having sex with me or if not me someone else, but leading with that, making that your intro or thinking its cute to take pics of your private parts, and have women fall over you  is a real deal breaker. At least a woman that has half a brain is not  going for it. Its not funny and what a turn off. I'm mentioning this because I am wondering if this whole dating thing is for me. Wondering if I really need to do this, and  if dating would benefit me in any manner. Of course Im being funny but what the hell?  Is this the fate of dating, or meeting men? Where are the real men?? The men that are gentlemen but still have a strong side, the men that don't give up their  power at the sight of a big butt and a smile. The men that have confidence. I had a crush on a man, that I thought was super sexy, smart, a tad self absorbed, but nice body and funny. This man had the confidence of a worm. What gives? I guess the best thing I could do is be myself and hope a man will catch up. I have come to realize that I would like a boyfriend I don't really need one

On another note.... I am taking the training wheels off. On my daughters father. I hindered him a lot by  micro managing  the relationship they had. I realized when she spent the weekend with him that I need to MIND MY BUSINESS! I have no business involving myself in how he behaves with her and how he treats her. They spent the whole weekend together and no harm, no broken bones, just a allergy some meds could solve. I just want my daughter to be loved and there is no short supply of that for her. he loves her, I love her, and sometimes thats what matters. I'm happy I realized that. I'm also letting him do more, ie dressing, hair combing, little things, she is even requesting her daddy for those tasks. Her little voice calling out to "dad". I guess she will always be a daddy's girl and theres room for me as well. So i'm  happy.

Its it them or is it me?

I don't get out much to meet men, and that is because I am not working and money is tight but besides that any attractive men get me giddy and  I get all shy. Something I don't understand, or can reason with. I have been saying hello and smiling more. I did see a few men and smiled, I have been randomly smiling more. I have a posting up  on a dating website but I have a question; is it me or them? I am not a stuck up person nor some narcissistic person but honestly what the hell. I made up my mind I was not going to settle, and I don't want to so does that mean I am going to be alone for the rest of my life? Alot of the replys I get are from men that are over weight(read:FAT), older( i do have an age range), and just plain unattractive. I don't want  to settle I want to be with someone I can feel proud to be seen with. My ex is not an ugly man but honestly he has no style and he really never paid attention to his looks very much, so If i saw him in the street I wouldn't go gaga. I fell in love with him because we had a connection but in the looks department he is not my type. So along with a billion other things to think about now I have this. I have my weight to worry about, the fact I'm not working and taking care of my daughter. So what to do? I don't want to lower my standards I want what I want. But at 41 how long  should I wait. I'm a smart attractive person but how long do I wait. I was thinking that maybe my ex was the last chance I have. That maybe that was it. I am holding out hope that someone is going to come along. I wish I could sit in my house and have men come to me but I'm going to have to getup and do some work for this as  well.  So one more thing to worry about that's probably why I stayed with my ex for so long as well, dating is pretty hard. I hope my wish list doesn't totally rule  me out.

Now I know why I was so angry!?

I meet up with my ex. We are now "friends", he has moved on , which as a friend I would have advised him against but hey. We went out a week ago and he made me angry. Not the first time but this time was different I just wanted the feelings of anger to stop. I just wanted to stop letting him control my emotions. I also read an article about divorce and that helped me as well. I was  hiding behind my anger to make him the bad guy, when in reality he isn't. He tried his best and he is trying his best to be the best dad. I want to control him  and because he is so pliable, think that he would go for it. Because he is so passive/aggressive I just think every suggestion I make he should take, but I cant control anyone and come to think of it I don't want to. We both tried our best and sometimes things don't work out, and I was angry at him because he was so slow to action but thats probably because he is scared and there is nothing wrong with being scared. I think he needs to work on his relationship with his daughter seeing her more and being more relaxed with her but its not my business. He will have to work on his relationship with her by himself and  I will be there for her if she needs me. I have to stop thinking I can change people and why would I want to. I'm too busy trying to fix/help myself. I give myself permission to not try to change anyone and to curb my anger.

The year of Me

I thought in Feb after my birthday in 2011, that I have to take care of me. More. I always thought I was doing right by myself, I relaxed, I took care of my daughter, tried to pay my bills and drank water, but I never took care of m myself. I never took a break to do something for myself like shopping. Every shopping trip was fraught with guilt, like should I have this, can I afford this. I got my taxes back and went shopping this year with no guilt no remorse. I always wanted to take time out and go to the movies. I did it! I joined a gym, I have been watching what I eat and exercising. Taking care of me. I just thought that taking care of my daughter was just taking care of me, but its not. If im not well I cant take care of anyone else. Now I realize that. I was just going and going, working going thru life like a zombie, now I pay attention, now I am aware of my feelings and I feel good life is good and my daughter is good. I am looking forward to summer. Thanks me.

Long time

Havent been keeping up with this, everytime I want to I get busy and find myself staring into space instead of blogging. So hows it been? So far so good and so bad. I have been so tired and dear I say depressed, just feel listless and out of energy but good because I went out last week and had a awesome time. Some friends I know and their friends, just women getting together everyone around my age and having fun. I was lamenting not   having   friends    Its quality over quanity, because my true friends are starting to come out and Im overjoyed. I do have friends that I really dont like because I feel like they really dont have my back but I guess the whole point is picking and choosing who is going to be in your life. I also have not been tresuring the people I do have in my life. I always see people with tons of friends, but what king of relationships do these people have, how would I know if they are good are bad, if all of them hate each other and are using each other. I guess all relationship have there purposes. I guess I should be grateful for the quality I have and not worry about quanity.
Work sucks and I feel like I do too much of it and not making a dent. I need a purpose in my life, something to not get me bored and want to pull all my hairs out; all over my body. Wish I could not be bored at work but that is what my fate is right now, do I need to do something else, yes, will I ? Yes. So far life is life.. Will keep up with my blog more often.

Heard it all before

I lost a friend recently. Not from a accident or moving away but from just plain selfishness, and mistaken motives. Long story short the trouble came over money. I made the mistake of borrowing money and not returning it in a timely manner, which was my mistake and fault.
But I thought foolishly as a friend there would not be a problem. But there was. To her credit my friend acted like a loanshark and wanted me to go out of my way to repay her,and basically was upset when i delayed the payment. It was not alot of money but to her I guess it was. i will agree i was wrong to delay payment, which was done because I just plain didnt have it. two things I learned from this; I dont have alot of friends and dont borrow money from friends.

I feel embarrassed that at 40 I have no good friends and people come in and out of my life and really don't hang around. People don't know me really and that is starting to bother me and worry me. I'm worried that I wont have any friends for the long run, that when I need someone I wont have anyone. I will admit that getting personal has never been in my nature, that showing my emotional side has never been my strong suit. I think I am getting better but, I just feel beat up by people, like lots of people have let me down and I don't think i can recover, as I write this I'm tearing up because I sound like a child. I am trying to open up more but it seems like people have lost patience with me. I do expect allot of people, which is probably not fair. I want people to be my all and all, which is not good, I figured yesterday that I probably need to lay off that and practice being myself and let real friendships start. I also have a problem with grabbing on to the first person and calling them my friend, which I need to stop doing.

I guess like my issues with my ex this will work it self out. I was thinking about seeking professional help and that might not be a bad idea.