I'm feeling this

I have a very exciting update, at least to me, my daughters father and I, I feel have turned a corner. I feel like the anger and resentment has gone away. We are not happy happy yet, we aren't going out for drinks; although it may be coming down the pike. But I feel like we are friends. Friends. Probably what we should have been from the start. We weren't meant to be lovers but I think we make great friends. And we have something to do that is more important; we have a little girl to raise. She is the most important thing not having a romantic relationship. When things were bad I thought; should we have separated? And I can honestly say yes. I don't think we were happy, we just got used to each other and that is not what I am looking for. I don't think any one is looking for a comfortable love. I want a loving, romantic, passionate relationship. I want someone to find me awesome and tell me so.I want someone to find me sexy, to think I'm smart, and to really want to talk with me and laugh and have fun.  I'm actually ready to work on a relationship, something I was not ready to do with my daughters father. But we are friends and right about now I could use a whole lot of them. The change made me feel good and its like we are really working as a team and that I think is the best thing right now.

down the up staircase

I want to ad to my last post. I spoke with my friends and figured that also my input is needed to keep a friendship running, duh right, I was the person that always was waiting for things to happen to me and I need to take charge of my relationships and not wait around for phone calls or invitations. So I have done that and things are turning out better for me and my friendships. I feel much better about my relationships with my friends. Some of them I have known for 5 years or more.I couldnt throw in the towel so soon. So that note.. Now on to this post.

July 26th after not  working for some time my unemployment ran out. That's why I have not blogged in some time. I have been supremely depressed and angry and wondering where the fuck I went wrong. I realized that I have no skills or drive or passion for anything. But that may be the depression talking for me. When I spoke to the rep on the phone at the Unemployment office and she told me good luck and suggested that I take a job that pays me more, I felt like jumping thru the phone and kicking her goody two shoes ass.Dude my ass doesnt work, I've been looking for almost 2 years.  My throat went dry, my heart was beating fast and my first thoughts went to my daughter. Then to my bills, then to my general being.. How was I going to live and eat and pay my bills? I did good because I get monies from my daughters dad, and I live here with my dad but how long can my dad help me? He has things to do as well with his money just not support me. 

So I went to the social services office. The place, in my mind which is the last resort. And it is. The looks on peoples faces are looks of disappointment and giving up. I felt so out of my element in the office and I was trying not to pass judgement. The workers there are the best part of the visit. They seem uncaring and unfazed by anything you have to say and don't care. From SS they sent me to a back to work program, the theory being I should find a job so the city doesn't have to pay me. So I officially have a Public Assistance case. I never thought in a million and one years that I would have one. I looked down on people that used government assistance and thought that they just were drifters. But I saw alot of mothers and single people. Sorry I still think seeing men there is strange. I think men have it easy even if they are black, white or whatever. I at first felt bad then I realized that I don't have an income  and I need one in order to survive. . Being a single mom is lots of work and this whole situation is either a  bump in the road and can be a teachable moment.

The worst I can take out of this is not to get myself together and ride out the PA wagon until the wheels fall off. But I'm not going to. I have a plan. I am going to start temping very soon and I am going to do that for a while and then I want to go back to school. This retail/cashier/ min.wage stuff is not cutting it. I can only feel so bad for myself for so long. I was so depressed I couldn't really talk. I cant do that for very long. 

I also realized that my daughters father is slowly becoming my friend. Which is what I wanted for a long time. We communicate better now.He is helping more, with her discipline and being supportive with my current situation. I consider him a friend and hope we can stay like this. I like where we are. Its funny I am not worrying about my friend situation, my ex or my daughter just if I can find a job. 

But I have a plan and hopefully well it will work out. Oh my exercise program is cold like ice. I exercise here and there but I need more constancy. Ok my Nyota Challenge is back on. I want to lose 15 lbs by the end of the year. I mean it. I find that exercise makes me sleep better and makes me feel better, mood wise. I am just a lazy creep and cant get motivated. Lets see what happens. Its all up to me.