What I want!!

I mentioned in my last post about dating well  round about about what I want. I wanted to express what I want and actually at this point in my life need. I remember being young and kissing LOTS of frogs. Just thinking that me being attractive was the end all and be all and I would love the attention. No real conversation but mostly sex, lots of it bad, maybe 60% for one reason or another. There was the guy that talked about economics after sex, or the guy that got off and shuddered at my touch. I have had some good ones, good sex but no human touch or real interaction. The guy that was good in bed but talked too much and it was all bs and lies or the guy that was great in bed but his sexuality was dubious. I didn't know how to  vet in those days or know what I wanted. Why did I care when men found me attractive? At 42 and divorced I finally know and I am demanding it,either ask for what I want or  I am willing to walk away. My marriage died because I picked the wrong person and still continued to continue even after having doubts. I thought love was the answer but it is/was not. The list goes as such:

A man that is sexual/ not afraid of intimacy: this is pretty simple, a man that likes sex and intimacy and has at least a sex drive. Intimacy is another thing high on the list, comfortable with himself, and wants to have sex, often.

A man that expresses himself: If you are angry be angry sad be sad don't put your feelings on the back shelf to make me or others feel good. This is a quick road to disrespect and low grade resentment

A man that is sober: drug addicts, heavy drinkers, gamblers, not interested and been there done that. Not feeling it.

A man that has drama/ is a bitch ass: Any man that has to handle situations by running from them  or creating drama, no thanks.
 A man that likes children. I don't care if a man has kids but if he does  taking care of your children  is sexy, in all aspects. Not just money but being there for the child. Also  Understanding I have a daughter and she comes first. She is going to be around until I die you may not be
A man that respects me and finds me fascinating, finds me deep, puzzling, serious, funny,charming, and a person that he wants to be around just because. Finds me lovable and makes me bring out my womanly side
A man with a plan: being rich would be awesome, having a plan to have a productive future for me and you is even better
A man with a sense of humor/personality
A man that has his own hobbies, things to do, dreams. I shouldn't be your dream. Go out either with friends or by yourself, I can't be entertainment
A man that knows to walk away even if it hurts
I mean there are smaller things but this is the master list of things I cannot do w/o and not planning to.
I know he is out there I guess its up to me to find him.

Not myself today. WTF???

Today was a weird day emotionally. Meaning I have been struggling with the thoughts of dating and meeting men in my situation. The situation which is living in my dad's house, being a single mom, and being unemployed. I see my  ex and damn it, I am so glad I made the decision to walk away. I find it puzzling that he didn't see the handwriting on the wall, in fact I think his life is full of " ignorance is bliss moments". We really didn't have any real intelligent conversations, and nothing in common. How the fuck did he think something  was really going on? I'm glad I got out before I killed someone or myself. But the hard work comes with me; should I date, should I not bother? I walked from my house to Atlantic Mall and saw a few attractive men but it seemed like nothing was connecting. I felt invisible and just blah! On the way back some guy seemed like he wanted to say something to me but I was not interested and did not find him attractive in the least. I just wonder sometimes if I live in some sort of dumb fantasy world, where I think I should be happy with any man, but the truth is that I won't. That my current situation has doomed me. I don't want a bf because I am desperate, I want one to share happy times, dinner, conversation, and other things. Ok sex, I feel like If I don't use it I'm going to loose it very soon. It might also be putting a monkey wrench in the mix because I like to date outside my race and everyone that takes an interest in me is of my race.

I just don't feel that pull tor ward men of my race. I think the only thing we have in common is our skin color and that means nothing. I also feel that men of my race seem to want to be defensive with me and not provide conversation, like I like it. I like no love conversation and having an open mind where you feel you can do anything. I feel that way, like there is so much out there to discover and see. I love travel and movies and being different. That  being said I think I may have painted myself into a corner. The WM around here seem to not notice BW, and   I'm not the kind to go and talk to men, I do think that's there job, I don't think rejection is is an issue especially if you don't know the person. Shake it off and move on. I just think I've put myself into a niche I made a deal with myself to not settle, I don't want to have to settle because I'm alone and want a mans touch. I want to be able to have my standards and have patience at the same time. I want my new relationship to be the best I could have. I have done work on myself and I just read, ha ha timing, that regardless of what is going on there is always going to be something. I can't say I'm going to lose 90 lbs and then date because something will pop up after that also. Its funny how articles or things pop up that relate to your situation. Its like angels talking to you thru things. I must admit I feel lonely and like I will never be loved again, at least not the way I want to be. Well lets see what happens. I think this is just loneliness talking and negative mind-chatter creeping up on me. Oh well.....

Just 5

I have been struggling with my body image and weight for years. Years!! I can't imagine not having issues but I must say they are getting much better. I decided to take better care of myself and not be so hard on myself. Really. No bullshit. I'm at the gym often and realized that things will not get better If I lose those 25 pounds or If I am a better person. Life is too short. My life could be too short, you never know whats going to happen or where your going to go. I want to be utterly happy with myself, I would say I'm 85% happy and for me that's alot. Of course life could be "better" but my real lesson is learning to deal with what I have and work with it. I'm me regardless.  So back to my body image; its not a poor as it was before. I hated myself and I was disgusted by my body. Every morsel of food made me feel bad every time I didn't work out the guilt would eat me up. It didn't help that at the time I had a partner that was not tuned in to what he wanted or his sexuality. So its much better now and I expect it to be for a long time. Believe me I this will come up again.