Today was a weird day emotionally. Meaning I have been struggling with the thoughts of dating and meeting men in my situation. The situation which is living in my dad's house, being a single mom, and being unemployed. I see my ex and damn it, I am so glad I made the decision to walk away. I find it puzzling that he didn't see the handwriting on the wall, in fact I think his life is full of " ignorance is bliss moments". We really didn't have any real intelligent conversations, and nothing in common. How the fuck did he think something was really going on? I'm glad I got out before I killed someone or myself. But the hard work comes with me; should I date, should I not bother? I walked from my house to Atlantic Mall and saw a few attractive men but it seemed like nothing was connecting. I felt invisible and just blah! On the way back some guy seemed like he wanted to say something to me but I was not interested and did not find him attractive in the least. I just wonder sometimes if I live in some sort of dumb fantasy world, where I think I should be happy with any man, but the truth is that I won't. That my current situation has doomed me. I don't want a bf because I am desperate, I want one to share happy times, dinner, conversation, and other things. Ok sex, I feel like If I don't use it I'm going to loose it very soon. It might also be putting a monkey wrench in the mix because I like to date outside my race and everyone that takes an interest in me is of my race.
I just don't feel that pull tor ward men of my race. I think the only thing we have in common is our skin color and that means nothing. I also feel that men of my race seem to want to be defensive with me and not provide conversation, like I like it. I like no love conversation and having an open mind where you feel you can do anything. I feel that way, like there is so much out there to discover and see. I love travel and movies and being different. That being said I think I may have painted myself into a corner. The WM around here seem to not notice BW, and I'm not the kind to go and talk to men, I do think that's there job, I don't think rejection is is an issue especially if you don't know the person. Shake it off and move on. I just think I've put myself into a niche I made a deal with myself to not settle, I don't want to have to settle because I'm alone and want a mans touch. I want to be able to have my standards and have patience at the same time. I want my new relationship to be the best I could have. I have done work on myself and I just read, ha ha timing, that regardless of what is going on there is always going to be something. I can't say I'm going to lose 90 lbs and then date because something will pop up after that also. Its funny how articles or things pop up that relate to your situation. Its like angels talking to you thru things. I must admit I feel lonely and like I will never be loved again, at least not the way I want to be. Well lets see what happens. I think this is just loneliness talking and negative mind-chatter creeping up on me. Oh well.....
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