Really confused

So my daugter turned 4 this week. I am so happy for her and me. I feel like she is really adjusting well to my separation, and being in a new school around new kids, but I hear that kids are very adjustable. . I am worried about something and its me and my personal relationships. I always hear you get what you put out and I guess my friendships are true to form. I mean I dont think I am high maintenance but soemthing is bothering me. Phonecalls. The most common form of comuincation is not working for me, or me and some of my friends. For instance my daughter had a gathering of a few other 4 year old kids. I invitied a close friend and her mother. So Sat comes around no show and no phone call, even after they made a confimration that they were coming Via text.. I have a friend that doesnt return phone calls for weeks at a time, a friend that despite having the latest and greatest in phones( i-phone) I cannot get text messages returned at all. I dont know if its me or them? Is how I get treated how I treat others? Am I that bad a friend? Is this really a big deal? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Well I have been thinking about this and I find the fault is all with me. I am notorious for looking for so much in people and forget that alot of what I am looking for has to come from me. I have 4 sisters and I was close to one of my sisters and we grew apart. I am basically looking for that type of relationship in other people.Looking for a replacement family or sisterhood. Is that fair? No is this right? I put alot of pressure on people all unrealistic and want alot from people. But I always think people want alot from me. Is it "right" to not  let someone know if you are coming to their bday party, no but I know that person is immature. About the returning phone calls well the difference between that person and me is the fact that person has other things to do and doesn't make things that I think are important a priority. Which I can kind of see, since I am not working  I do have alot of time on my hands and have become very insular. So at this point I want to be a good friend and not think people are waiting for me to become their social outlet, like I wait for others to be. I sometimes am totally stuck and sometimes I don't know what to do to meet other people. I know I need to and I want to broaden my social base because this isn't what I had in mind. Wish me luck.....

Whats work got to do with it?

Whew I haven't blogged in a hella long time!! Whats up? Not much with me just  regular life. On the recap end my summer was fun, not as much fun as I would have liked but fun. I spent the time with my daughter and she went on vacation for a while, and I missed her like crazy. Its now November and I have been unemployed for a year. Hence the title.  Not what I wanted but it happened. I wish I could find a job that would take into consideration that I have a child. I remember my mother telling me the story that a boss told her her family wasn't "shit" and that her leaving to attend to a sick child meant giving up her job. I am trying to find the balance between work and my life. I think my life with my daughter is much more important that a job, much more fulfilling an rewarding. But I don't want to give off that energy, and I want to do my job and balance everything. I have a hard time finding   someone to watch my daughter because alot of her family works, and their schedules are often tied up as well. So I would have to pay someone to watch her. I live on unemployment. I don't know how I have done it for a year but it has happened. I need to work my social life it  has taken a huge nosedive, not that it was great before, and I am getting slightly depressed. I would like to be flexible, I went on an interview and was offered the 4-12am shift? I did mention I had a child that had to go to school and that she was pretty young. I know any and all jobs have their needs but I have my needs too. Also why kill yourself for a job and not a career? Why is the workforce so biased against moms? I am a single mom. I remember working at my job and being told I "had to work:" until 11 because everyone else did, no sorry everyone else was 23 and childless. So no after looking at the schedule there wasn't alot of truth to that one. I would like to go back to school, I do need to get my act together but I also need  employers to understand that I can still be an asset  but I have a child that needs me. I often wonder if I made too much of a big deal  over my daughter and then I look into her eyes. She has a bottom line too.

I want to feel like a natural women

 In the past I was pretty stylish, or I thought I was. I dressed nicely, had a face full of makeup took care of my skin and hair, it was cut on a weekly basis.  I thought of myself as "sexy" and I got a lot of attention. I didn't mind the attention at all either. Now I hate to admit I rock sweats all the time and as I write this have a work shirt on, with stains on it!! I have a hard time with being feminine now. I am struggling with what it really is. Is it being attractive to men  or is it being pretty for yourself. I see women that are well put together and I want to be that woman but for me. I want to be more stylish and to have a closet full of stylish clothes. I have a lot of excuses that hold me back, money, no time but why I don't make time for these things baffles me. I like to be pretty but sometimes I have to ask myself why? When I was married I didn't think about this much because I felt like that wasn't a big deal for my ex. We were together and that was the barometer for being attractive. Now that I am on my own I want to be feminine after all men are drawn to that, and I want to be more trendy. Hopefully I will get there, I probably need a subscription to Vogue. I also need to find a womanly thing for me to do. I was watching t.v. and  a woman was saying that she wrote poetry and it was "feminine", maybe I need to do something like that.   I also need to soften myself up more, I was so used to being the "alpha" in my relationship that its sometimes hard to let that facade down. I think the most feminine thing I have done was to have a child, hey nothing more womanly than that. But my personal style, I have none and I wonder if I am doomed to a life with no style, or a feminine touch. Do I have to wear a skirt 24/7 to be feminine?  Lipstick?  a wig?  My hair has been short for years and it has been alluded that I was not feminine enough. So is this defining  of being feminine or a woman self imposed, or is it society. I will admit I am influenced by the popular media. I also will admit I have issues with my body and my looks. I could stand to lose a whole lotof weight, and I haven't accepted myself "as I am" and I never thought I was that good looking, so maybe that has a lot to do with my hiding behind this raggedy t-shirt.

And the academy would like to thank...

I went to take out the garbage/recycling early this morning around 12am or so and it was a beautiful early morning. It was finished raining and it was dewy, and bizarrely quiet. I live in a busy neighborhood so that was odd. I stood outside reflecting which I do often, that drives me crazy, I live in my mind a lot but this time I think I was justified. I thought about how grateful I was, how happy I was, how much I DON'T really have to complain about. I'm happy I have my health, save for the regular "getting older" things. Then I thought about how I got where I'm at and who I have to thank and who can be the goats in my life. I wont mention names, not because I am a coward but because I don't want to be resentful but I feel if I say this a lot of bad feelings will be abolished.

I would like to thank my friends. The ones that helped me, the ones that talked with me, I remember meeting with an old friend, and we went down memory lane. I hadn't laughed in a long time, and that day I did. I needed it  and I had a ton of fun. But better than the jokes and drinks he was there. I did not have the best time 2009-2010, and just him being there was help enough. Thanks for the friends that invited me out, had me over to eat dinner, that embraced my daughter, even though she is a handful and a half. Thanks for listening and even though we didn't hash over my bad times just being there. I felt comfortable knowing that someone was a phone call or a train ride away. That means a hell of a lot. I was always complaining because I don't have a lot of friends but the few I have know me and that is fucking golden. Thanks to the angels that dropped wisdom on  me but did not preach. People I just ran into that helped me out gave advise and were a shoulder to lean on. The right time right place person . Thanks a million. You don't know what you have done for me

So on to the "goats". Firstly I don't hold grudges but I have been holding some things in, a lot of things have been bothering me and I haven't addressed them. Here we go. For my former friend. I felt like she was my sister I had deep feelings for her, I felt like I was being supportive, I didn't feel like I didn't get that in return. Our friendship imploded over some silly b.s., sorry for both of us. I was under the impression that friends were supportive, and at the time I needed support. I was being a crybaby and I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. To my friends that pulled the Disappearing acts on me, don't know what happened, but if there were issues shouldn't I have known? I guess disappearing was the best thing to do. Sorry I didn't mean to be so overbearing. Sarcasm here. Thanks for the memories. Aint  mad at you. Also a honorable mention to the random folks that  played games and weren't honest, didn't see my true potential, were never my friend but acted like they were, and  were all round masters of duplicity. Thanks. I must admit I was hurt and it made me feel a bit small.  I'm not crying in my pillow anymore. I'm good.
What is the axiom, what ever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Its true.I'm not dead yet and I plan on living for a while. I feel lucky that I am still making it and that I can take my head off the pillow. I'm thankful for my family and my daughter. I am thankful the breathe in the air and walk everyday. I'm happy. Life is good.

Life is a many varied thing

I am going to double up on my blogging this time. I came to the realization about something and I am still trying to figure out if I should throw  in the towel , or rather  re-think how I do somethings. I have a ad for    online dating, a man responded to me and I thought that maybe this would be a nice guy, he was good looking, seemed funny and I thought hey maybe. The conversation turned to I want a picof you  to can I send you a pic of my dick.Ugh. Just like that. So fast and not subtle at all. I wonder when men are going to learn that leading with sexuality is going to kill it all the time.
 I want to know that the man I am with is sexual and willing to one day having sex with me or if not me someone else, but leading with that, making that your intro or thinking its cute to take pics of your private parts, and have women fall over you  is a real deal breaker. At least a woman that has half a brain is not  going for it. Its not funny and what a turn off. I'm mentioning this because I am wondering if this whole dating thing is for me. Wondering if I really need to do this, and  if dating would benefit me in any manner. Of course Im being funny but what the hell?  Is this the fate of dating, or meeting men? Where are the real men?? The men that are gentlemen but still have a strong side, the men that don't give up their  power at the sight of a big butt and a smile. The men that have confidence. I had a crush on a man, that I thought was super sexy, smart, a tad self absorbed, but nice body and funny. This man had the confidence of a worm. What gives? I guess the best thing I could do is be myself and hope a man will catch up. I have come to realize that I would like a boyfriend I don't really need one

On another note.... I am taking the training wheels off. On my daughters father. I hindered him a lot by  micro managing  the relationship they had. I realized when she spent the weekend with him that I need to MIND MY BUSINESS! I have no business involving myself in how he behaves with her and how he treats her. They spent the whole weekend together and no harm, no broken bones, just a allergy some meds could solve. I just want my daughter to be loved and there is no short supply of that for her. he loves her, I love her, and sometimes thats what matters. I'm happy I realized that. I'm also letting him do more, ie dressing, hair combing, little things, she is even requesting her daddy for those tasks. Her little voice calling out to "dad". I guess she will always be a daddy's girl and theres room for me as well. So i'm  happy.

Its it them or is it me?

I don't get out much to meet men, and that is because I am not working and money is tight but besides that any attractive men get me giddy and  I get all shy. Something I don't understand, or can reason with. I have been saying hello and smiling more. I did see a few men and smiled, I have been randomly smiling more. I have a posting up  on a dating website but I have a question; is it me or them? I am not a stuck up person nor some narcissistic person but honestly what the hell. I made up my mind I was not going to settle, and I don't want to so does that mean I am going to be alone for the rest of my life? Alot of the replys I get are from men that are over weight(read:FAT), older( i do have an age range), and just plain unattractive. I don't want  to settle I want to be with someone I can feel proud to be seen with. My ex is not an ugly man but honestly he has no style and he really never paid attention to his looks very much, so If i saw him in the street I wouldn't go gaga. I fell in love with him because we had a connection but in the looks department he is not my type. So along with a billion other things to think about now I have this. I have my weight to worry about, the fact I'm not working and taking care of my daughter. So what to do? I don't want to lower my standards I want what I want. But at 41 how long  should I wait. I'm a smart attractive person but how long do I wait. I was thinking that maybe my ex was the last chance I have. That maybe that was it. I am holding out hope that someone is going to come along. I wish I could sit in my house and have men come to me but I'm going to have to getup and do some work for this as  well.  So one more thing to worry about that's probably why I stayed with my ex for so long as well, dating is pretty hard. I hope my wish list doesn't totally rule  me out.

Now I know why I was so angry!?

I meet up with my ex. We are now "friends", he has moved on , which as a friend I would have advised him against but hey. We went out a week ago and he made me angry. Not the first time but this time was different I just wanted the feelings of anger to stop. I just wanted to stop letting him control my emotions. I also read an article about divorce and that helped me as well. I was  hiding behind my anger to make him the bad guy, when in reality he isn't. He tried his best and he is trying his best to be the best dad. I want to control him  and because he is so pliable, think that he would go for it. Because he is so passive/aggressive I just think every suggestion I make he should take, but I cant control anyone and come to think of it I don't want to. We both tried our best and sometimes things don't work out, and I was angry at him because he was so slow to action but thats probably because he is scared and there is nothing wrong with being scared. I think he needs to work on his relationship with his daughter seeing her more and being more relaxed with her but its not my business. He will have to work on his relationship with her by himself and  I will be there for her if she needs me. I have to stop thinking I can change people and why would I want to. I'm too busy trying to fix/help myself. I give myself permission to not try to change anyone and to curb my anger.

The year of Me

I thought in Feb after my birthday in 2011, that I have to take care of me. More. I always thought I was doing right by myself, I relaxed, I took care of my daughter, tried to pay my bills and drank water, but I never took care of m myself. I never took a break to do something for myself like shopping. Every shopping trip was fraught with guilt, like should I have this, can I afford this. I got my taxes back and went shopping this year with no guilt no remorse. I always wanted to take time out and go to the movies. I did it! I joined a gym, I have been watching what I eat and exercising. Taking care of me. I just thought that taking care of my daughter was just taking care of me, but its not. If im not well I cant take care of anyone else. Now I realize that. I was just going and going, working going thru life like a zombie, now I pay attention, now I am aware of my feelings and I feel good life is good and my daughter is good. I am looking forward to summer. Thanks me.