I went to take out the garbage/recycling early this morning around 12am or so and it was a beautiful early morning. It was finished raining and it was dewy, and bizarrely quiet. I live in a busy neighborhood so that was odd. I stood outside reflecting which I do often, that drives me crazy, I live in my mind a lot but this time I think I was justified. I thought about how grateful I was, how happy I was, how much I DON'T really have to complain about. I'm happy I have my health, save for the regular "getting older" things. Then I thought about how I got where I'm at and who I have to thank and who can be the goats in my life. I wont mention names, not because I am a coward but because I don't want to be resentful but I feel if I say this a lot of bad feelings will be abolished.
I would like to thank my friends. The ones that helped me, the ones that talked with me, I remember meeting with an old friend, and we went down memory lane. I hadn't laughed in a long time, and that day I did. I needed it and I had a ton of fun. But better than the jokes and drinks he was there. I did not have the best time 2009-2010, and just him being there was help enough. Thanks for the friends that invited me out, had me over to eat dinner, that embraced my daughter, even though she is a handful and a half. Thanks for listening and even though we didn't hash over my bad times just being there. I felt comfortable knowing that someone was a phone call or a train ride away. That means a hell of a lot. I was always complaining because I don't have a lot of friends but the few I have know me and that is fucking golden. Thanks to the angels that dropped wisdom on me but did not preach. People I just ran into that helped me out gave advise and were a shoulder to lean on. The right time right place person . Thanks a million. You don't know what you have done for me
So on to the "goats". Firstly I don't hold grudges but I have been holding some things in, a lot of things have been bothering me and I haven't addressed them. Here we go. For my former friend. I felt like she was my sister I had deep feelings for her, I felt like I was being supportive, I didn't feel like I didn't get that in return. Our friendship imploded over some silly b.s., sorry for both of us. I was under the impression that friends were supportive, and at the time I needed support. I was being a crybaby and I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. To my friends that pulled the Disappearing acts on me, don't know what happened, but if there were issues shouldn't I have known? I guess disappearing was the best thing to do. Sorry I didn't mean to be so overbearing. Sarcasm here. Thanks for the memories. Aint mad at you. Also a honorable mention to the random folks that played games and weren't honest, didn't see my true potential, were never my friend but acted like they were, and were all round masters of duplicity. Thanks. I must admit I was hurt and it made me feel a bit small. I'm not crying in my pillow anymore. I'm good.
What is the axiom, what ever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Its true.I'm not dead yet and I plan on living for a while. I feel lucky that I am still making it and that I can take my head off the pillow. I'm thankful for my family and my daughter. I am thankful the breathe in the air and walk everyday. I'm happy. Life is good.
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