I want to feel like a natural women

 In the past I was pretty stylish, or I thought I was. I dressed nicely, had a face full of makeup took care of my skin and hair, it was cut on a weekly basis.  I thought of myself as "sexy" and I got a lot of attention. I didn't mind the attention at all either. Now I hate to admit I rock sweats all the time and as I write this have a work shirt on, with stains on it!! I have a hard time with being feminine now. I am struggling with what it really is. Is it being attractive to men  or is it being pretty for yourself. I see women that are well put together and I want to be that woman but for me. I want to be more stylish and to have a closet full of stylish clothes. I have a lot of excuses that hold me back, money, no time but why I don't make time for these things baffles me. I like to be pretty but sometimes I have to ask myself why? When I was married I didn't think about this much because I felt like that wasn't a big deal for my ex. We were together and that was the barometer for being attractive. Now that I am on my own I want to be feminine after all men are drawn to that, and I want to be more trendy. Hopefully I will get there, I probably need a subscription to Vogue. I also need to find a womanly thing for me to do. I was watching t.v. and  a woman was saying that she wrote poetry and it was "feminine", maybe I need to do something like that.   I also need to soften myself up more, I was so used to being the "alpha" in my relationship that its sometimes hard to let that facade down. I think the most feminine thing I have done was to have a child, hey nothing more womanly than that. But my personal style, I have none and I wonder if I am doomed to a life with no style, or a feminine touch. Do I have to wear a skirt 24/7 to be feminine?  Lipstick?  a wig?  My hair has been short for years and it has been alluded that I was not feminine enough. So is this defining  of being feminine or a woman self imposed, or is it society. I will admit I am influenced by the popular media. I also will admit I have issues with my body and my looks. I could stand to lose a whole lotof weight, and I haven't accepted myself "as I am" and I never thought I was that good looking, so maybe that has a lot to do with my hiding behind this raggedy t-shirt.

And the academy would like to thank...

I went to take out the garbage/recycling early this morning around 12am or so and it was a beautiful early morning. It was finished raining and it was dewy, and bizarrely quiet. I live in a busy neighborhood so that was odd. I stood outside reflecting which I do often, that drives me crazy, I live in my mind a lot but this time I think I was justified. I thought about how grateful I was, how happy I was, how much I DON'T really have to complain about. I'm happy I have my health, save for the regular "getting older" things. Then I thought about how I got where I'm at and who I have to thank and who can be the goats in my life. I wont mention names, not because I am a coward but because I don't want to be resentful but I feel if I say this a lot of bad feelings will be abolished.

I would like to thank my friends. The ones that helped me, the ones that talked with me, I remember meeting with an old friend, and we went down memory lane. I hadn't laughed in a long time, and that day I did. I needed it  and I had a ton of fun. But better than the jokes and drinks he was there. I did not have the best time 2009-2010, and just him being there was help enough. Thanks for the friends that invited me out, had me over to eat dinner, that embraced my daughter, even though she is a handful and a half. Thanks for listening and even though we didn't hash over my bad times just being there. I felt comfortable knowing that someone was a phone call or a train ride away. That means a hell of a lot. I was always complaining because I don't have a lot of friends but the few I have know me and that is fucking golden. Thanks to the angels that dropped wisdom on  me but did not preach. People I just ran into that helped me out gave advise and were a shoulder to lean on. The right time right place person . Thanks a million. You don't know what you have done for me

So on to the "goats". Firstly I don't hold grudges but I have been holding some things in, a lot of things have been bothering me and I haven't addressed them. Here we go. For my former friend. I felt like she was my sister I had deep feelings for her, I felt like I was being supportive, I didn't feel like I didn't get that in return. Our friendship imploded over some silly b.s., sorry for both of us. I was under the impression that friends were supportive, and at the time I needed support. I was being a crybaby and I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. To my friends that pulled the Disappearing acts on me, don't know what happened, but if there were issues shouldn't I have known? I guess disappearing was the best thing to do. Sorry I didn't mean to be so overbearing. Sarcasm here. Thanks for the memories. Aint  mad at you. Also a honorable mention to the random folks that  played games and weren't honest, didn't see my true potential, were never my friend but acted like they were, and  were all round masters of duplicity. Thanks. I must admit I was hurt and it made me feel a bit small.  I'm not crying in my pillow anymore. I'm good.
What is the axiom, what ever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Its true.I'm not dead yet and I plan on living for a while. I feel lucky that I am still making it and that I can take my head off the pillow. I'm thankful for my family and my daughter. I am thankful the breathe in the air and walk everyday. I'm happy. Life is good.

Life is a many varied thing

I am going to double up on my blogging this time. I came to the realization about something and I am still trying to figure out if I should throw  in the towel , or rather  re-think how I do somethings. I have a ad for    online dating, a man responded to me and I thought that maybe this would be a nice guy, he was good looking, seemed funny and I thought hey maybe. The conversation turned to I want a picof you  to can I send you a pic of my dick.Ugh. Just like that. So fast and not subtle at all. I wonder when men are going to learn that leading with sexuality is going to kill it all the time.
 I want to know that the man I am with is sexual and willing to one day having sex with me or if not me someone else, but leading with that, making that your intro or thinking its cute to take pics of your private parts, and have women fall over you  is a real deal breaker. At least a woman that has half a brain is not  going for it. Its not funny and what a turn off. I'm mentioning this because I am wondering if this whole dating thing is for me. Wondering if I really need to do this, and  if dating would benefit me in any manner. Of course Im being funny but what the hell?  Is this the fate of dating, or meeting men? Where are the real men?? The men that are gentlemen but still have a strong side, the men that don't give up their  power at the sight of a big butt and a smile. The men that have confidence. I had a crush on a man, that I thought was super sexy, smart, a tad self absorbed, but nice body and funny. This man had the confidence of a worm. What gives? I guess the best thing I could do is be myself and hope a man will catch up. I have come to realize that I would like a boyfriend I don't really need one

On another note.... I am taking the training wheels off. On my daughters father. I hindered him a lot by  micro managing  the relationship they had. I realized when she spent the weekend with him that I need to MIND MY BUSINESS! I have no business involving myself in how he behaves with her and how he treats her. They spent the whole weekend together and no harm, no broken bones, just a allergy some meds could solve. I just want my daughter to be loved and there is no short supply of that for her. he loves her, I love her, and sometimes thats what matters. I'm happy I realized that. I'm also letting him do more, ie dressing, hair combing, little things, she is even requesting her daddy for those tasks. Her little voice calling out to "dad". I guess she will always be a daddy's girl and theres room for me as well. So i'm  happy.

Its it them or is it me?

I don't get out much to meet men, and that is because I am not working and money is tight but besides that any attractive men get me giddy and  I get all shy. Something I don't understand, or can reason with. I have been saying hello and smiling more. I did see a few men and smiled, I have been randomly smiling more. I have a posting up  on a dating website but I have a question; is it me or them? I am not a stuck up person nor some narcissistic person but honestly what the hell. I made up my mind I was not going to settle, and I don't want to so does that mean I am going to be alone for the rest of my life? Alot of the replys I get are from men that are over weight(read:FAT), older( i do have an age range), and just plain unattractive. I don't want  to settle I want to be with someone I can feel proud to be seen with. My ex is not an ugly man but honestly he has no style and he really never paid attention to his looks very much, so If i saw him in the street I wouldn't go gaga. I fell in love with him because we had a connection but in the looks department he is not my type. So along with a billion other things to think about now I have this. I have my weight to worry about, the fact I'm not working and taking care of my daughter. So what to do? I don't want to lower my standards I want what I want. But at 41 how long  should I wait. I'm a smart attractive person but how long do I wait. I was thinking that maybe my ex was the last chance I have. That maybe that was it. I am holding out hope that someone is going to come along. I wish I could sit in my house and have men come to me but I'm going to have to getup and do some work for this as  well.  So one more thing to worry about that's probably why I stayed with my ex for so long as well, dating is pretty hard. I hope my wish list doesn't totally rule  me out.