Long time

Havent been keeping up with this, everytime I want to I get busy and find myself staring into space instead of blogging. So hows it been? So far so good and so bad. I have been so tired and dear I say depressed, just feel listless and out of energy but good because I went out last week and had a awesome time. Some friends I know and their friends, just women getting together everyone around my age and having fun. I was lamenting not   having   friends    Its quality over quanity, because my true friends are starting to come out and Im overjoyed. I do have friends that I really dont like because I feel like they really dont have my back but I guess the whole point is picking and choosing who is going to be in your life. I also have not been tresuring the people I do have in my life. I always see people with tons of friends, but what king of relationships do these people have, how would I know if they are good are bad, if all of them hate each other and are using each other. I guess all relationship have there purposes. I guess I should be grateful for the quality I have and not worry about quanity.
Work sucks and I feel like I do too much of it and not making a dent. I need a purpose in my life, something to not get me bored and want to pull all my hairs out; all over my body. Wish I could not be bored at work but that is what my fate is right now, do I need to do something else, yes, will I ? Yes. So far life is life.. Will keep up with my blog more often.

Heard it all before

I lost a friend recently. Not from a accident or moving away but from just plain selfishness, and mistaken motives. Long story short the trouble came over money. I made the mistake of borrowing money and not returning it in a timely manner, which was my mistake and fault.
But I thought foolishly as a friend there would not be a problem. But there was. To her credit my friend acted like a loanshark and wanted me to go out of my way to repay her,and basically was upset when i delayed the payment. It was not alot of money but to her I guess it was. i will agree i was wrong to delay payment, which was done because I just plain didnt have it. two things I learned from this; I dont have alot of friends and dont borrow money from friends.

I feel embarrassed that at 40 I have no good friends and people come in and out of my life and really don't hang around. People don't know me really and that is starting to bother me and worry me. I'm worried that I wont have any friends for the long run, that when I need someone I wont have anyone. I will admit that getting personal has never been in my nature, that showing my emotional side has never been my strong suit. I think I am getting better but, I just feel beat up by people, like lots of people have let me down and I don't think i can recover, as I write this I'm tearing up because I sound like a child. I am trying to open up more but it seems like people have lost patience with me. I do expect allot of people, which is probably not fair. I want people to be my all and all, which is not good, I figured yesterday that I probably need to lay off that and practice being myself and let real friendships start. I also have a problem with grabbing on to the first person and calling them my friend, which I need to stop doing.

I guess like my issues with my ex this will work it self out. I was thinking about seeking professional help and that might not be a bad idea.

fixing it

Well I had the conversation that I was dreading. I am a confident person but I had allot of fear talking to me ex about the care of our daughter,especially monetary issues. But I did; there was a start of huffing and puffing on his end,and then the breakthrough, we both agreed we both communicated, that's the best part. I felt so relieved and actually happy. I am sorry the way things worked out, sorry that we took up the best years of our lives, I have regret that we both mislead each other and the real loves of our lives were out there, now blown to the wind. Communication is the leading cause of all my issues and I thought that being single now I would improve I have a long way to go. Another note i got my divorce papers to sign and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but its sad because its the end of something. I do realize that I made my relationship the focus of my life, and for my next foray into the "love" aspect I do acknowledge that that might change or I will be in deep trouble once again.

The best part is my daughter and will always be the bond that will keep us together.

mythology and fact

Pretty angry for the past few days. Just feeling like its going to be a tough road to go and its not going to be smooth over the long haul. Lots of people know my ex hes like a mayor or something. A quiet guy easygoing doesnt like conflict and has what one person described as a "gentle nature" my angst started over visitation and what I percieved as me taking all the burden, which is true, and me being the active parent. It was over a matter of returning my daughter to my home after being out, which i thought was a resonable request, and got told that he "couldnt"do it. Here we go. I thought this would be smooth and easy, silly me. Its funny but no one except my friends are asking how I am doing. I am raising a happy healthy 2 year old, sans her fathers input and it sucks. It hurts only one person; her. I am fed up with people including me feeling sorry for him because he is naive and acts brand new. I am tired bc i work 2 jobs and everyone is worried about how he feels. No one asks about me, sorry my ego is going nuts right now, and everyone is hell bent on protecting him. I guess thats a true testament to me, I can make it and he cant his delicate nature is going to get him in trouble and I am relistant and strong, yeah thats it. I was really angry to the point of leaving work early and feeling depressed. But I guess we will see. Only the strong survive

Just waiting

I texted my ex, because we text but he doesn't seem to want to talk with me, which I get. I asked about the divorce papers and he said they are on the way. How do i feel about that? Its a combo of feelings, happy, sad, excited, and relieved. I don't feel guilt feeling happy, there are days when I look back and wonder if i screwed myself, If I'm going to be by myself forever. If I'm going to die alone,which is know is pure drama but at 40 the clock is ticking. I know what I want and what I need but how to get it is my problem. There are tons of good looking men out there but I find myself having allot of qualifying things I want, lets say need they are:

1) Don't ask tell: I want a man that instead of asking me what to do just does it. My opinion should be secondary to yours, if you have a plan enforce it. Nothing is sexier than a man that has a plan.
2) Be honest: If this needs an explanation then we are in some deep doo doo. if something is bothering you, say so, if you don't like something say so, going with the flow is going to get you going with the flow and not me.
3)Be willing to have fun:I want someone that wants to go out and have fun. fun fun. Be ready to do something, you don't have to spend billions of dollars. I like to talk and do things no matter what. A trip to the Laundromat can be fun, a date for Pink berry can be superfun.
4) Make me laugh: Another than needs little explanation. Funny is good, obnoxious and stuck up is not fun, pain in the ass is not funny, acting like a drunk uncle is not funny, acting like a fool is not funny. Making jokes is funny, and commenting on everyday events with a touch of sarcasm is funny, and makes my heart melt.
So that's just a few. Its not a inclusive list and having one thing on the list is not a deal breaker, but having no things on the list is. I really figured out what I want. I'm so happy for me. Yay!!

looks like I made it

lLast year July or may of 2009, I decided that my marriage had to end. I wasn't being abused, neglected, or cheated on, my husband was just not the one. He is the best dad and a nice guy but not for me. And that was the big issue, I felt alot of affection for him but no attraction, no strong pull to keep it going. We were together for a looong time(together for 6 married for 7 )and the older i got, i was 39 at the time,i just thought it would be good to be honest. I thought all that time i was pmsing, but it lasted allot longer. I became allured by someone else and honestly that person made me feel sexy, listened to, and made me laugh. something my husband did not. My ex and I were walking around like zombies just working having spots of fun here and there but not really connecting and feeling comfortable with each other. I felt like we didn't know each other and believe it or not we have nothing in common, I mean nothing, and never really did. I got married because i loved him, and despite our problems that getting married would fix it out. I was living a lie which sounds corny but I was. My head kept getting turned and I always felt like I was missing something. Always.

I'm happy. Don't get me wrong I have my crying days,I seriously thought I made the wrong move but I want to be happy and I want my daughter to be happy and have great examples and awesome role models, and my daughter was going to suffer, if I was not happy. I'm happy. I'm happy with my 2 yr old and myself. Not ready to look back but Im totally ready to move foward. There is a "one' out there for me. I know it.