The Year of Living Brokerly

I remember there was a Mel Gibson movie called The Year of Living Dangerously and that's kind of how I feel except with no money.

Ugh. My life feels like I am going backward going around in circles, going down the drain. Now I feel that I can do anything I set my mind to, I have the power to change my life but being uneployed is changing my life for the worst. Its been almost 2 years and in that 2 years there is NOTHING on the so called horizon, nothing. In any area of my life, and its sad and depressing and It makes me feel like I'm lost and going to just fade away. Even my fitness routine has gone the way of the dodo bird.

I actually had to sign up for Public Assistance and its not all that simple of a process. There s lots of going to nasty unkempt offices and talking with people that seem stressed and nonplussed. Waiting in rooms for god knows what and listening to people spout all sorts of job related wisdom. Now the city has caught on and DEMANDED that people go to a back to work program. Those programs are just waiting games, for jobs that honestly don't exist and programs that barely help. I must admit my rent was payed which I was starting to feel guilty about, but I want a class in feeling better. Getting out of my funk, and feeling happy and joyous about something. I seem to have lost my mojo so to speak and all the things I had passion about seem to have faded away. I wish I could get on my feet without help but this was a needed evil. I didn't have an income coming in and I also have a child to take care of so this was something I could have deep thoughts about. I just wonder when I'm going to get myself together because at this age I cant be playing.

Its also disheartening to see people at these places that have just given up and wont be productive members of society. They seem content to hang out and collect a check.Also the ignorant thought process, and the people that are so quick to anger, these young people are the future. Lots of people know the ins and outs of the "system" and have no qualms about using it and abusing it. I want to ride this pony only a quarter of the way.

I'm feeling this

I have a very exciting update, at least to me, my daughters father and I, I feel have turned a corner. I feel like the anger and resentment has gone away. We are not happy happy yet, we aren't going out for drinks; although it may be coming down the pike. But I feel like we are friends. Friends. Probably what we should have been from the start. We weren't meant to be lovers but I think we make great friends. And we have something to do that is more important; we have a little girl to raise. She is the most important thing not having a romantic relationship. When things were bad I thought; should we have separated? And I can honestly say yes. I don't think we were happy, we just got used to each other and that is not what I am looking for. I don't think any one is looking for a comfortable love. I want a loving, romantic, passionate relationship. I want someone to find me awesome and tell me so.I want someone to find me sexy, to think I'm smart, and to really want to talk with me and laugh and have fun.  I'm actually ready to work on a relationship, something I was not ready to do with my daughters father. But we are friends and right about now I could use a whole lot of them. The change made me feel good and its like we are really working as a team and that I think is the best thing right now.

down the up staircase

I want to ad to my last post. I spoke with my friends and figured that also my input is needed to keep a friendship running, duh right, I was the person that always was waiting for things to happen to me and I need to take charge of my relationships and not wait around for phone calls or invitations. So I have done that and things are turning out better for me and my friendships. I feel much better about my relationships with my friends. Some of them I have known for 5 years or more.I couldnt throw in the towel so soon. So that note.. Now on to this post.

July 26th after not  working for some time my unemployment ran out. That's why I have not blogged in some time. I have been supremely depressed and angry and wondering where the fuck I went wrong. I realized that I have no skills or drive or passion for anything. But that may be the depression talking for me. When I spoke to the rep on the phone at the Unemployment office and she told me good luck and suggested that I take a job that pays me more, I felt like jumping thru the phone and kicking her goody two shoes ass.Dude my ass doesnt work, I've been looking for almost 2 years.  My throat went dry, my heart was beating fast and my first thoughts went to my daughter. Then to my bills, then to my general being.. How was I going to live and eat and pay my bills? I did good because I get monies from my daughters dad, and I live here with my dad but how long can my dad help me? He has things to do as well with his money just not support me. 

So I went to the social services office. The place, in my mind which is the last resort. And it is. The looks on peoples faces are looks of disappointment and giving up. I felt so out of my element in the office and I was trying not to pass judgement. The workers there are the best part of the visit. They seem uncaring and unfazed by anything you have to say and don't care. From SS they sent me to a back to work program, the theory being I should find a job so the city doesn't have to pay me. So I officially have a Public Assistance case. I never thought in a million and one years that I would have one. I looked down on people that used government assistance and thought that they just were drifters. But I saw alot of mothers and single people. Sorry I still think seeing men there is strange. I think men have it easy even if they are black, white or whatever. I at first felt bad then I realized that I don't have an income  and I need one in order to survive. . Being a single mom is lots of work and this whole situation is either a  bump in the road and can be a teachable moment.

The worst I can take out of this is not to get myself together and ride out the PA wagon until the wheels fall off. But I'm not going to. I have a plan. I am going to start temping very soon and I am going to do that for a while and then I want to go back to school. This retail/cashier/ min.wage stuff is not cutting it. I can only feel so bad for myself for so long. I was so depressed I couldn't really talk. I cant do that for very long. 

I also realized that my daughters father is slowly becoming my friend. Which is what I wanted for a long time. We communicate better now.He is helping more, with her discipline and being supportive with my current situation. I consider him a friend and hope we can stay like this. I like where we are. Its funny I am not worrying about my friend situation, my ex or my daughter just if I can find a job. 

But I have a plan and hopefully well it will work out. Oh my exercise program is cold like ice. I exercise here and there but I need more constancy. Ok my Nyota Challenge is back on. I want to lose 15 lbs by the end of the year. I mean it. I find that exercise makes me sleep better and makes me feel better, mood wise. I am just a lazy creep and cant get motivated. Lets see what happens. Its all up to me.

priorities who needs them?

I strive to be a loyal friend at least, if I cant go to the latest club or hang every weekend I feel like I'm  a good listener, and there if someone needs me. Well its summer time and I would like to hang with my friends that I haven't seen in a while but once again like I wrote in a former post, we don't keep in touch very well. Whose fault that is nobody seems to know. So the title of my post, priorities who needs them? is about my friends. I wish people would be honest if not honest, up front and let others know especially your  friends that  they won't call or make time for you. I have a friend that told another friend of  that she was "anti social'  that's why she hasn't  called said person. How can you have friends and be "anti social", maybe you should say; "hey I have other priorities and I don't have phone calls at the top of my list:", honesty is always the best policy no? I would in fact, I have, I like to be upfront with people and I know when to cut and run. The funny thing to me is that these people(the ones that never call) are relatively free, ie no kids and travel and go out at a moments notice. I have a child and I can't, it involves more planning. I always seem to put all of this "being a good friend" stuff on my shoulders and I cant anymore because it suddenly is not a priority for me either. I'm not being rude or vindictive, I'm being real. I am going to actually focus my attention on people that want to go out, that want to talk with me, and I don't see every 3 months and they are within spitting distance. I don't think I ask for a lot, I think paying attention t o me is important and everyone needs to feel special, in any and all relationships. I finally learned that my feelings are not petty and  simple things like phone calls and keeping in contact are important, in other words a priority.

Wherever whatever

So far so good. I'm not going to prattle on about how long its taken me to write but I think for the summer I am going to do more writing. I plan to purchase a bathing suit, I plan to do a lot this summer, god willing I will be able to do it. Hopefully I wont be to angry when I slip that bathing suit on , I promise I wont cry. I hope im in the "don't care'" category when that happens. My unemployment is going to end at some point hopefully I will find a job in that time. I know that I'm not ever going to falter in the future.

I am writing about friends, what else is new and some of them that are ungrateful. Well I want to be clear, we all are ungrateful at some point,  but to make a steady habit out of it is bogus. The back story is this; I had a friend of mine that has a child so she is a friend to my daughter, and she disappeared for a while. I went to a Fourth of July party and she showed up. Now I haven't spoken or seen her since October, she gave me a kiss and hug, it was warm and I thought that would open up conversation but it didn't. She was closed up like a clam,I tried, I also bought food for her child and mine and I got not a thank you, not a hey thanks but nothing, nothing after that. Her friend was more gracious and we talked.We sat and conversed while she checked Facebook, rude and selfish must I add.  I couldn't attend a party she had and I guess she wanted to have a grudge  and she is riding it for all its worth, actually its not worth much.The worst part of her is that is she is  selfish and ungrateful and doesn't understand which side her bread is buttered on, that kills me about people. I think it takes other people to make the world go around, its not just you working on your own steam. People help you and that's how you further yourself.There's always someone behind the scenes. Everyone that says nothing is ever given to me, well you don't get what you have because of "divine intervention". She doesn't either want to or care that she is living on the "company dime" so to speak.She is mega negative and I just don't want things like that in my life, and I always hope others don't want drama and negativity in their lives but they keep perpetuating it. Ahhh I guess some will never learn. Last night my FB status was something to this effect; thank god you have to pick your friends, because I am not picking her, or  many others. I thought our reunion would be sweet, it ended up leaving a very bitter taste in my mouth.

I love Brooklyn and other musings this week

I was walking down the street on one of the better days we have had, weather wise and I was thinking about how I would not leave Brooklyn. I truely love this place! There is transportation every where, resturants, bars, stores everything is here. Lots of stuff within walking distance and beautiful neighborhoods. So I was thinking  when I get older to leave but I don't think I ever will. I love this place too damn much. Supermarkets everywhere this is heaven. I lived in NJ and nothing will ever be like Brooklyn. Ah...

My daughters school is closing. Other schools are opening in its place and I'm excited about it. Besides the school being in a great location and the fact that I love her teachers, the new school seems to be a good thing as well.The principals focus seems  to be  the students as well as the school but its early yet. I want my daughter to know there's a world out there, and there's more to life than whats in your face or in your classroom. Hopefully I can send a positive message to her about life and learning . I was super busy last week with tons of school related things and other errands.

I was sick for 3 weeks or so and I haven 't been to the gym and feel so out of touch. Surprisingly exercise is starting to work for me; I feel better I can sleep better and my energy is "up" this week I plan to change all that, and get to the gym and thanks to my father, since he got me a yoga mat, I can use that. Yay!!! Very good for me. So this week the Nyota Challenge is on, from 4/23-5/23 I want to exercise at least 6 days out of the week. I think that's reasonable. Lets see what happens!

What I want!!

I mentioned in my last post about dating well  round about about what I want. I wanted to express what I want and actually at this point in my life need. I remember being young and kissing LOTS of frogs. Just thinking that me being attractive was the end all and be all and I would love the attention. No real conversation but mostly sex, lots of it bad, maybe 60% for one reason or another. There was the guy that talked about economics after sex, or the guy that got off and shuddered at my touch. I have had some good ones, good sex but no human touch or real interaction. The guy that was good in bed but talked too much and it was all bs and lies or the guy that was great in bed but his sexuality was dubious. I didn't know how to  vet in those days or know what I wanted. Why did I care when men found me attractive? At 42 and divorced I finally know and I am demanding it,either ask for what I want or  I am willing to walk away. My marriage died because I picked the wrong person and still continued to continue even after having doubts. I thought love was the answer but it is/was not. The list goes as such:

A man that is sexual/ not afraid of intimacy: this is pretty simple, a man that likes sex and intimacy and has at least a sex drive. Intimacy is another thing high on the list, comfortable with himself, and wants to have sex, often.

A man that expresses himself: If you are angry be angry sad be sad don't put your feelings on the back shelf to make me or others feel good. This is a quick road to disrespect and low grade resentment

A man that is sober: drug addicts, heavy drinkers, gamblers, not interested and been there done that. Not feeling it.

A man that has drama/ is a bitch ass: Any man that has to handle situations by running from them  or creating drama, no thanks.
 A man that likes children. I don't care if a man has kids but if he does  taking care of your children  is sexy, in all aspects. Not just money but being there for the child. Also  Understanding I have a daughter and she comes first. She is going to be around until I die you may not be
A man that respects me and finds me fascinating, finds me deep, puzzling, serious, funny,charming, and a person that he wants to be around just because. Finds me lovable and makes me bring out my womanly side
A man with a plan: being rich would be awesome, having a plan to have a productive future for me and you is even better
A man with a sense of humor/personality
A man that has his own hobbies, things to do, dreams. I shouldn't be your dream. Go out either with friends or by yourself, I can't be entertainment
A man that knows to walk away even if it hurts
I mean there are smaller things but this is the master list of things I cannot do w/o and not planning to.
I know he is out there I guess its up to me to find him.

Not myself today. WTF???

Today was a weird day emotionally. Meaning I have been struggling with the thoughts of dating and meeting men in my situation. The situation which is living in my dad's house, being a single mom, and being unemployed. I see my  ex and damn it, I am so glad I made the decision to walk away. I find it puzzling that he didn't see the handwriting on the wall, in fact I think his life is full of " ignorance is bliss moments". We really didn't have any real intelligent conversations, and nothing in common. How the fuck did he think something  was really going on? I'm glad I got out before I killed someone or myself. But the hard work comes with me; should I date, should I not bother? I walked from my house to Atlantic Mall and saw a few attractive men but it seemed like nothing was connecting. I felt invisible and just blah! On the way back some guy seemed like he wanted to say something to me but I was not interested and did not find him attractive in the least. I just wonder sometimes if I live in some sort of dumb fantasy world, where I think I should be happy with any man, but the truth is that I won't. That my current situation has doomed me. I don't want a bf because I am desperate, I want one to share happy times, dinner, conversation, and other things. Ok sex, I feel like If I don't use it I'm going to loose it very soon. It might also be putting a monkey wrench in the mix because I like to date outside my race and everyone that takes an interest in me is of my race.

I just don't feel that pull tor ward men of my race. I think the only thing we have in common is our skin color and that means nothing. I also feel that men of my race seem to want to be defensive with me and not provide conversation, like I like it. I like no love conversation and having an open mind where you feel you can do anything. I feel that way, like there is so much out there to discover and see. I love travel and movies and being different. That  being said I think I may have painted myself into a corner. The WM around here seem to not notice BW, and   I'm not the kind to go and talk to men, I do think that's there job, I don't think rejection is is an issue especially if you don't know the person. Shake it off and move on. I just think I've put myself into a niche I made a deal with myself to not settle, I don't want to have to settle because I'm alone and want a mans touch. I want to be able to have my standards and have patience at the same time. I want my new relationship to be the best I could have. I have done work on myself and I just read, ha ha timing, that regardless of what is going on there is always going to be something. I can't say I'm going to lose 90 lbs and then date because something will pop up after that also. Its funny how articles or things pop up that relate to your situation. Its like angels talking to you thru things. I must admit I feel lonely and like I will never be loved again, at least not the way I want to be. Well lets see what happens. I think this is just loneliness talking and negative mind-chatter creeping up on me. Oh well.....

Just 5

I have been struggling with my body image and weight for years. Years!! I can't imagine not having issues but I must say they are getting much better. I decided to take better care of myself and not be so hard on myself. Really. No bullshit. I'm at the gym often and realized that things will not get better If I lose those 25 pounds or If I am a better person. Life is too short. My life could be too short, you never know whats going to happen or where your going to go. I want to be utterly happy with myself, I would say I'm 85% happy and for me that's alot. Of course life could be "better" but my real lesson is learning to deal with what I have and work with it. I'm me regardless.  So back to my body image; its not a poor as it was before. I hated myself and I was disgusted by my body. Every morsel of food made me feel bad every time I didn't work out the guilt would eat me up. It didn't help that at the time I had a partner that was not tuned in to what he wanted or his sexuality. So its much better now and I expect it to be for a long time. Believe me I this will come up again.